It’s true, two is better than one, and for people with mental illness that is double true. Either you will be my friend that lifts me up when I’m hurt and down, or the people in my head will. I paid a visit to them last night, and they seem to care about me more than real people, however at the end of the day I am just a number to them too.
Well, I don’t want to be a number anymore; I’m 43 and have more than earned the right to be a name, and sick of getting ripped off. I wont capitulate anymore to useless pursuits to the homeless shelter, and city services in hopes that when they get around to me, Ill benefit from a chance. I also wont turn to the church either, because so far it has been a useless pursuit as well, and frankly I am so deeply hurt that I can’t commit to ministry. Still at the end of the day, a choice is made, and I sit down; make a decision to decide not simply that I need a friend, but I need a specific friend, one that fits the demographic, and the one I am praying for…..specifically. I don’t need another brother, another man friend, another mentor, pastor, or some other wrong demographic, or a free meal, a hand up, or anything. I want what I prayed for. I am not interested in being prepared for what I prayed for, I want what I prayed for. If I’m 43 and I’m not prepared by now, its never going to happen anyways. I work very hard hobbling on broken feet all day, trying to make things work, and I don’t want something like her, but I need her.
I recall a time when a girl I had a thing for while growing up finally showed up in my life, only it wasn’t actually her. She looked like her, she sounded like her, but it’s not her. I know, flexibility right? That may be true for business and professional pursuits, but my friend should be who I prayed for, and not someone else or something else. It’s not to say that we’re not sometimes wrong about who we have picked, and when that’s the case then we have to start over, gather ourselves, reevaulate and find that perfect somebody again…specifically. Thats how it works, and its time consuming, and embarrasing when it doesnt work out right, but the point I’ m making is that we at least need to stand up for our selves, and build the life we want specifically, not a genetic copy of it, and frankly that is offensive to even try that, or suggest it